From Needtobreathe to Need. To. Breathe.
"What's changed?" That was the question my wife asked me as we sat at a high-top table alone in a large venue just steps away from where we were about to see our favorite band, Needtobreathe, in concert at The Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion in The Woodlands, TX. I knew what she meant, but with a slight (narcissistic) smile, I asked her, "What do you mean?" She took me by the hand and said, "You’re different. Over the last four months, you have been sweeter to me, you haven't lost your temper, and you seem more loving." She was right. It was actually six months before this conversation that I made a conscious decision to change. If you asked the people I work with or even my closest friends, they would have said I was one of the nicest and strongest Christians they knew. And I was...to them. But to my family, I was a fraud. I was angry, defensive, harsh, and downright mean, not always, but often. While I was overall a good dad and, at best, an average husband, I was a loose cannon, and no one in my family knew exactly what would set me off. And that was what they knew about me, but little did they know. So, I had committed to change. I literally remember saying to myself one day, "Hey, maybe she's not the problem in this marriage; maybe I’m the problem." (ya think?!) So, I changed my behavior. I started having a quiet time again, reading my Bible, and praying daily. I began to sit on the back patio with my wife in the mornings for this, which we would eventually call "patio time." I watched less TV and spent more time focused on her needs. As a result, I started to fall back in love with my wife.
So there, in that Pavilion, just outside of the seats we would take just minutes later to listen to our favorite band, we gently held each other’s hands, and I thought maybe we were becoming the couple everyone thought we were; that I was becoming the man Lisa thought she had married, and that maybe, just maybe, I would take with me to the grave all of my transgressions. That was September 29, 2018 (for those of you keeping score at home, that’s exactly six years ago today). Little did I know what tomorrow would bring.
From Needtobreathe to Need. To. Breathe.
I wish I could say what happened next was a blur, but it’s not. It’s like it happened yesterday, and quite honestly, I hope it always feels that way. Not in a masochistic sort of way, but in a way that is a real reminder of the gravity of my sin and the ripple effect of devastation I had just unleashed.
On September 30, 2018, I received a text from my pastor asking if I could meet him sometime that afternoon. My heart sank. I knew he knew. My wife had driven to Waco earlier that morning after church to be with our oldest daughter for a Mother/Daughter sorority event and would not be home until later that night. I met my pastor around 2 pm, and he confronted me about a rumor of my infidelity. I won’t go into the details of his knowledge of my sin, but suffice it to say, he was right. That said, he didn’t know the half of it. My sin was much more deeply rooted than that of a single event, but it was this one that got me caught and likely saved my life, my marriage, and my family. We spent the next hour or so talking about the next steps. He gave me a book to read, the phone number for Tim Mavergeorge (a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist), and instructed me to tell my wife. He told me he would not tell my wife, but that night, I needed to do so. (I’ll share more in a future blog about an alternative way to disclose to your spouse, but suffice it to say, God was in control.) I cried as I thought of the bomb I was about to drop on my family. “Chris, you’re about to experience the most painful three months of your life. It will take longer than that to recover and potentially see your marriage restored, but these next three months are going to be grueling, gut-wrenching, and excruciating.” Those are the words my pastor spoke to me just before he prayed with me as I left his office and went home to prepare to disclose my sin to my wife.
I went home from my pastor’s office and sat on the couch in the living room, alternating between looking for a way out of this and what words I was gonna use to destroy my wife. My wife arrived home from her trip to Waco in the early evening. Our son and youngest daughter were at church that night. I helped her inside with her luggage, and without giving her any time to settle into the evening or decompress from her drive, I asked her to sit on the sofa at the end of our bed in our bedroom. “I need to tell you something.” “You’re scaring me,” she said.
I proceeded by letting go of the depressed tongue of a hand grenade I’d been desperately holding on to for years. I was exhausted, broken, and, well, busted. My confession acted as a piece from the game of Jinga that I had carelessly handled, resulting in the entire tower collapsing.
In Ezekiel 36:25-32 God tells the Israelites that he is going to act on their behalf, “…not for your sake…but for the sake of my holy name.” (v 22). I call the following verses the “and then” impact. Go read the passage for yourself, but the short version is that God is delivering them. “And then…
you shall be clean from your uncleanliness
you will be clean from all your idols
I will give you a new heart
I will put my spirit within you
I will remove your heart of stone
I will give you a heart of flesh
I will put my Spirit within you
I will cause you to walk in my statutes
I will cause you to be careful to obey my rules
You shall be my people
I will be your God
I will deliver you from all you uncleanliness
I will summon the grain and make it abundant
I will lay no famine among you
Should I go on?!
God would do this in me over the months and years to follow, and He would do it in Lisa as well. This is not a movie or drama on TV where everything was solved in a 30-minute timeframe; no, this was and is an investment full of ups and downs.
What do you need to be delivered from? What has engulfed your life that has you exhausted and broken? Turn it over to Him. Let God meet you where you are and rescue you. Give Him the chance to show you the “and then” impact. This Needtobreathe song encapsulates where I was, where we were in the fall of 2018.
Wasteland
Yeah in this wasteland
Where I’m livin’
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it’s all that I need
To get by
Yeah in this wasteland
Where I’m livin’
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it’s all that I need to shine.
Needtobreathe
Wasteland, 2022
I don’t know your story. I don’t know your secrets. What I do know is that God is big enough for them all. Maybe, just maybe, He is calling you to your own relentless pursuit.
